A New Perspective

Discussing a cookbook Robb just found out about and wants to buy:

Robb:  The Kindle edition is cheaper, but I've heard that it's a beautiful book.
Me:  You've heard?  From who?
Robb:  There are 28 reviews!
Me:  So you read that it's a beautiful book.
Robb:  Same thing.  Reading is just hearing with your eyes.

Focusing on the Positive

Yesterday I received several blessings (tender mercies?  Good stuff, no matter what you call it.)

1.  I injured my thumb/wrist six months ago and it's still not better, so I had a follow up doctor's appointment at 2.  I realized they would most likely do x-rays and I didn't really want to cart Ren around with me for who knows how long, but no one was able to watch him during my appointment time.  RIGHT after I talked with a friend about babysitting, my doctor's office called to reschedule.  So blessing number 1 is a new appointment at 11:30.

2.  My friend Lauren offered to watch the baby while I went to the doctor.

3.  When I got there I found a parking space immediately.  (Unless you've been to Kaiser Santa Clara, you probably don't realize that this is HUGE.)

4.  The doctor saw me, ordered x-rays, and was able to find an open time slot for me to see a surgeon all in the two hours following my appointment with him.

5.  Lauren was totally fine with me being gone longer than originally anticipated.

6.  X-rays confirmed nothing is broken (that's a relief!)

7.  I watched Ren and Lincoln (Lauren's son) while she went to an acupuncture appointment, and they were both near perfect the whole time.  (Phew!)

All in all, it was a pretty fabulous day, and I'm grateful for all the blessings I received.

Hmmmm.....

1.  This is somewhat difficult for me to write, as I'm going to be as open and honest as I can.
2.  I'm not looking for a pat on the back, or overused platitudes.
3.  (See number 1 again), I'm currently most definitely NOT at the peak of mental/emotional wellness, so this may all be in my head and from my screwed up perspective, so I might just need to get over it, however...as far as being friends with people, is there something wrong with Robb and I?

To preface, over a year ago we realized we needed to make more friends, and we also noticed there were many young couples in our ward.  Consequently, we started hosting a bi-monthly group FHE and invited every single young couple in the ward.  We enjoyed having everyone over and only stopped when we were a few weeks away from having the baby.  The group continued to hold FHEs at other people's homes off and on over the last six months.  We haven't made it to another house for FHE (it's right at Ren's bedtime), but we have hosted twice in the last month or two.  However, over the last few months there have been LARGE group activities and camp outs, etc., and we're not invited.  I mean, no one even asks.  (And yes, we considered the fact that maybe it's due to us having a baby in tow, but then realized another couple that's going has a child right around the same age as Ren.) We just find out about it after the fact and we're starting to wonder if we did something wrong or if it's all in our heads or what.

What I know:

• I am depressed.  Whether it's postpartum or not I don't care, all I know is I've been headed downhill on the mental health train for the last few months.  It's finally bad enough that I made the effort to contact my doctor and we set up therapy and psychiatry (medication) appointments in the next two weeks.  (No small feat when apathy is taking over your life and you don't really care about doing anything.)  
• Given that I'm depressed and feeling apathetic about most things, I'm having a difficult time even maintaining established friendships.  Luckily these are the types of friends who understand when I don't talk to them very often and always welcome me back.
• The women in my ward with whom I was good friends have all moved away.  :-(
• I'm not a very outgoing person (i.e. I don't make friends easily.)  I've been told I'm intimidating and so I think people either think I don't need friends or I don't want them.  Add this to the preceding points and maybe I'm just giving off a really strong negative vibe???
• Robb is different.  His ADHD means sometimes his social interactions are a little outside the norm (but still, not what I would consider incredibly odd.)
• (This one sets us apart from 99% of the couples in our ward): we are not accountants, lawyers, MBAs, bankers or participants in corporate America.  (But we don't have a problem with you if you are!)
• We do not fit the "norm"- I'm a working mom and my husband is a stay at home dad/full-time graduate ART student.
• We like being outdoors, climbing, music, art, and food/cooking and aren't really interested in TV shows or organized (team) sports.

I think the issue is one of two things:

• One, because we don't fit the norm, people aren't interested in doing things with us.
• Two, because I (we?) are giving off a negative/depressed vibe, people aren't interested in being friends with us OR they think we don't want to do anything.

So, in the (unlikely) event someone from the ward is reading this, feel free to share tips and tricks on what we can do to get people to do stuff with us.  Aside from inviting others over for group FHEs, game nights, and dinners, as we've been doing that already.  If you're not from our ward, please feel free to comment as well.  (Open up ladies, I know all you former LBCers saw me in action first hand, so I'm sure you saw my lack of friendship skills in the way back.)

In conclusion, I'm sorry if this rubs you the wrong way.  I'm just frustrated and hurt and feeling like my 18 year old self, sitting in my college apartment kitchen and being surprised as my roommates trooped out and blithely announced "Oh, we're going to (insert fun event here).  See you tomorrow."  What the...?

It would just be nice to feel like somebody truly, sincerely cared, and maybe I'll feel better in a few weeks once I'm back on meds and I'll come back and delete this post, but in the meantime...

Do you have any thoughts?  Thanks.

Motocycles with sound stereo speakers are lame

Who buys a motorcycle for it's sound system???

Posers, that's who.

Square Peg Learning to be a Cylinder

I have been thinking lately about becoming a mother and why this was so difficult for me.  It only took me four and a half months to come to the realization that having a child and moving into motherhood is the single most transformative event of my entire life.  


Google defines transform as "a thorough or dramatic change in the form, appearance, or character of."  Let's see:

• Form?  As a friend has said, the topography of my body is permanently altered.  Check.
• Appearance?  Bags under my eyes and spit up on my clothes somewhere.  Check.
• Character?  My priorities, goals, and desires have all changed, so - Check! 

I think it's this last one that has been the most difficult part of the transition.  I am (or will be) getting back into pre-pregnancy shape, and at some point the baby will sleep more and spit up less, so I'll (hopefully) start to look a little more like the old me.  My character, however, will never go back to what it was before.  I will never be a non-mother, and this is the part that's requiring the most bending and reshaping and overall contorting as I try and move from who I was to who I think I need to be in order to be the best parent possible for my son.


Moving from childhood to adulthood was a fairly gradual experience.  Going from single to married was a big change in many ways, but I don't feel I changed that much (although the cumulative changes over the last three and a half years may actually be pretty significant, now that I think about it.)  However, those changes were, again, gradual, and this change - this whole motherhood thing - is immensely immediate.  One minute I'm not a mom and then in a moment out he comes, here is is, and - oh my goodness - I'm a mom, now and forever.  


I've always been like this, having a hard time adjusting to big changes even when I knew they were coming.  This time the square-peg-jammed-in-a-round-hole feeling has been rough as my edges and angles are worn away and I conform to my new reality, but I think I may finally be starting to settle a little more comfortably in this role.  Here's hoping the feeling lasts - at least for a little while! 

Four Months!

The approximate equivalent of a hug

I'll admit I've had a hard time this week being at work while Robb is at home with Farren.  I know it's hard to take care of the baby all day, but it's also hard on me to be missing so many of his daily milestones. It doesn't help that I had late meetings two days running and thus only got to spend about two hours with him each day - two hours in which he was tired and INCREDIBLY cranky.  Sigh...

So I've been somewhat down and have spent more time than I should feeling a little sorry for myself and wishing someone would take a minute to stop and take care of me for a while.  Today work was particularly difficult and I was pretty much tapped out by lunchtime.  Instead of going up to the staff room to eat lunch and visit with my coworkers I decided to stay in my room.  I turned of all the lights, turned on some Mormon Tabernacle choir, and sat down on the floor to eat my lunch.

As I'm eating my lunch various songs play, and then I heard "He Shall Feed His Flock Like a Shepherd", which repeats (several times) "...and gently, so gently, shall lead those with young."  I decided I should focus on being grateful for His gentle guidance and support, and then "My Shepherd Will Supply My Need" came on, and I lost it - but in a happy way.  That song has been a huge comfort to me since I had the baby and I felt like I received a hug via music.  It was a blessing to be reminded that someone IS taking care of me, all the time.

My Shepherd will supply my need, 
Jehovah is His name. 
In pastures fresh He makes me fee, 
Beside the living stream. 

He brings my wand’ring spirit back, 
When I forsake His ways. 
And leads me for His mercy’s sake 
In paths of truth and grace. 

When I walk through the shades of death 
Thy presence is my stay. 
One word of Thy supporting breath 
Drives all my fears away. 

Thy hand in sight of all my foes, 
Doth still my table spread. 
My cup with blessings overflows, 
Thine oil anoints my head. 


The sure provisions of my God 
Attend me all my days. 
O may Thy house be my abode, 
And all my work be praise. 

There would I find a settled rest, 
While others go and come. 
No more a stranger nor a guest, 
But like a child at home.