Google defines transform as "a thorough or dramatic change in the form, appearance, or character of." Let's see:
- Form? As a friend has said, the topography of my body is permanently altered. Check.
- Appearance? Bags under my eyes and spit up on my clothes somewhere. Check.
- Character? My priorities, goals, and desires have all changed, so - Check!
Moving from childhood to adulthood was a fairly gradual experience. Going from single to married was a big change in many ways, but I don't feel I changed that much (although the cumulative changes over the last three and a half years may actually be pretty significant, now that I think about it.) However, those changes were, again, gradual, and this change - this whole motherhood thing - is immensely immediate. One minute I'm not a mom and then in a moment out he comes, here is is, and - oh my goodness - I'm a mom, now and forever.
I've always been like this, having a hard time adjusting to big changes even when I knew they were coming. This time the square-peg-jammed-in-a-round-hole feeling has been rough as my edges and angles are worn away and I conform to my new reality, but I think I may finally be starting to settle a little more comfortably in this role. Here's hoping the feeling lasts - at least for a little while!
4 comments:
I totally feel you...on all of that. I'm guessing I'll feel a similar way when the kid actually comes (painfully!) into the world. I'm always rooting for you!
I still feel like a square peg some days or maybe I should say some hours since every day has moments. And I have 4 kids. Shouldn't I be use to this by now? Some days I still think about the other me that existed before kids. And while, it seems nice, I always remind myself how much I looked forward to this time in my life. And I know, I'll look back at this time and miss it in a way I will never miss my pre-kid days.
And this is totally an unsolicited suggestion but I've had PPD after all of my kids. I think it is mostly anxiety for me and the lack of sleep just about destroys my sanity. But, someone recently suggested to me to try taking fish oil. Apparently, the omega3's in fish oil help your body naturally produce the serotonin which is what the depression drugs simulate. ( I googled that info who knows if its a weird thing that is totally placebo.) Anyway, I tried it and it seems to make a difference. The stuff I got suggested taking it 3 times a day with your meals so that's what I do.
Apparently, I'm feeling long winded tonight.
I think part of the difficulty, too, is that you were "you" for a long time and through some pretty transformative experiences like your mission and your time with Teach for America, so the more definitively YOU you became, the greater the discomfort in having to submit your whole being (inside and out) to the needs and well-being of someone else. True, you began part of the change when you married, but nothing compared to (as you put it) the IMMEDIACY of the change brought by childbirth. It's not surprising that it is taking some time to get used to - but as Bedelia said, every day (hopefully) will have its moments when you will feel totally IN TUNE (in every connotation of that phrase) and that will make it all worth the struggle. Also, recognize that being a parent IS the hardest job in the world, so it's okay that you haven't found it easy. This just shows how hard you are trying - and you are doing a FINE job!!
I think being that "mom" is not a problem. You know there is no square peg or round hole that is the same. So create your own style and be the kind of "Mom" that works for you. I am on the cheer squad for you.
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