Square Peg Learning to be a Cylinder

I have been thinking lately about becoming a mother and why this was so difficult for me.  It only took me four and a half months to come to the realization that having a child and moving into motherhood is the single most transformative event of my entire life.  


Google defines transform as "a thorough or dramatic change in the form, appearance, or character of."  Let's see:

• Form?  As a friend has said, the topography of my body is permanently altered.  Check.
• Appearance?  Bags under my eyes and spit up on my clothes somewhere.  Check.
• Character?  My priorities, goals, and desires have all changed, so - Check! 

I think it's this last one that has been the most difficult part of the transition.  I am (or will be) getting back into pre-pregnancy shape, and at some point the baby will sleep more and spit up less, so I'll (hopefully) start to look a little more like the old me.  My character, however, will never go back to what it was before.  I will never be a non-mother, and this is the part that's requiring the most bending and reshaping and overall contorting as I try and move from who I was to who I think I need to be in order to be the best parent possible for my son.


Moving from childhood to adulthood was a fairly gradual experience.  Going from single to married was a big change in many ways, but I don't feel I changed that much (although the cumulative changes over the last three and a half years may actually be pretty significant, now that I think about it.)  However, those changes were, again, gradual, and this change - this whole motherhood thing - is immensely immediate.  One minute I'm not a mom and then in a moment out he comes, here is is, and - oh my goodness - I'm a mom, now and forever.  


I've always been like this, having a hard time adjusting to big changes even when I knew they were coming.  This time the square-peg-jammed-in-a-round-hole feeling has been rough as my edges and angles are worn away and I conform to my new reality, but I think I may finally be starting to settle a little more comfortably in this role.  Here's hoping the feeling lasts - at least for a little while!