2. I'm not looking for a pat on the back, or overused platitudes.
3. (See number 1 again), I'm currently most definitely NOT at the peak of mental/emotional wellness, so this may all be in my head and from my screwed up perspective, so I might just need to get over it, however...as far as being friends with people, is there something wrong with Robb and I?
To preface, over a year ago we realized we needed to make more friends, and we also noticed there were many young couples in our ward. Consequently, we started hosting a bi-monthly group FHE and invited every single young couple in the ward. We enjoyed having everyone over and only stopped when we were a few weeks away from having the baby. The group continued to hold FHEs at other people's homes off and on over the last six months. We haven't made it to another house for FHE (it's right at Ren's bedtime), but we have hosted twice in the last month or two. However, over the last few months there have been LARGE group activities and camp outs, etc., and we're not invited. I mean, no one even asks. (And yes, we considered the fact that maybe it's due to us having a baby in tow, but then realized another couple that's going has a child right around the same age as Ren.) We just find out about it after the fact and we're starting to wonder if we did something wrong or if it's all in our heads or what.
What I know:
- I am depressed. Whether it's postpartum or not I don't care, all I know is I've been headed downhill on the mental health train for the last few months. It's finally bad enough that I made the effort to contact my doctor and we set up therapy and psychiatry (medication) appointments in the next two weeks. (No small feat when apathy is taking over your life and you don't really care about doing anything.)
- Given that I'm depressed and feeling apathetic about most things, I'm having a difficult time even maintaining established friendships. Luckily these are the types of friends who understand when I don't talk to them very often and always welcome me back.
- The women in my ward with whom I was good friends have all moved away. :-(
- I'm not a very outgoing person (i.e. I don't make friends easily.) I've been told I'm intimidating and so I think people either think I don't need friends or I don't want them. Add this to the preceding points and maybe I'm just giving off a really strong negative vibe???
- Robb is different. His ADHD means sometimes his social interactions are a little outside the norm (but still, not what I would consider incredibly odd.)
- (This one sets us apart from 99% of the couples in our ward): we are not accountants, lawyers, MBAs, bankers or participants in corporate America. (But we don't have a problem with you if you are!)
- We do not fit the "norm"- I'm a working mom and my husband is a stay at home dad/full-time graduate ART student.
- We like being outdoors, climbing, music, art, and food/cooking and aren't really interested in TV shows or organized (team) sports.
I think the issue is one of two things:
- One, because we don't fit the norm, people aren't interested in doing things with us.
- Two, because I (we?) are giving off a negative/depressed vibe, people aren't interested in being friends with us OR they think we don't want to do anything.
So, in the (unlikely) event someone from the ward is reading this, feel free to share tips and tricks on what we can do to get people to do stuff with us. Aside from inviting others over for group FHEs, game nights, and dinners, as we've been doing that already. If you're not from our ward, please feel free to comment as well. (Open up ladies, I know all you former LBCers saw me in action first hand, so I'm sure you saw my lack of friendship skills in the way back.)
In conclusion, I'm sorry if this rubs you the wrong way. I'm just frustrated and hurt and feeling like my 18 year old self, sitting in my college apartment kitchen and being surprised as my roommates trooped out and blithely announced "Oh, we're going to (insert fun event here). See you tomorrow." What the...?
It would just be nice to feel like somebody truly, sincerely cared, and maybe I'll feel better in a few weeks once I'm back on meds and I'll come back and delete this post, but in the meantime...
Do you have any thoughts? Thanks.
3 comments:
As to the depressed thing, I had PPD but I might just be someone that has that problem normally. I just don't like to admit that. I feel like I failed which is dumb because I family and friends that have depression and I don't think any of them are failures. I hate being crazy. Anyway, I tried meds and they work wonders. However, I was trying to get off them because I was losing insurance coverage and didn't want to pay more money. Anyway, long story short, someone recommended fish oil. (The omega 3's help with serotonin or something. google it if you are interested.) I took it 3 times a day and noticed a difference without side effects. I'm not an avid natural granola person and I kept thinking the whole time I was taking it, "is this just a placebo?" But really I think it worked quite well, maybe better than prescription stuff.
As to having friends, I've been married 7 years and my husband and I have only clicked with one other couple during that time. Sadly we actually lived next door to each other for 6 months to a year before we actually became friends and then they moved 18 months later to another state. So obviously, I don't make friends easily and I'm no good for advice. We went through kind of the same thing. We invited different people/families over for dinner and thought we'd make friends but nothing ever panned out.
I'm sure some would say, it isn't anything to do with us and people are just busy. But really, I think it is everything to do with who I am, but I don't think that means there is anything wrong with me. (When I'm depressed, I think everyone hates me and I'm an awful person.) I just think it has to do with who we click with. And now its not just one person but two that have to mesh together plus kids when they are older at least.
Anyway, I hope you find that perfect couple to hang out with soon. If you were here, I'd hang out. I mean, I know I like you. And anyone that had a VW bus has to be cool so I'm sure Robb would get along great with my Jordan. So if you decide to move to Utah sometime soon....
It came to my attention after discussing this with Jared that I am perhaps not a very warm/friendly person. I've experienced this exact same phenomenon -- i.e., extended invitations to dinner, etc., and never really experienced any reciprocation.
Jared thinks, probably correctly, that this has to do with me not putting off a super warm/fuzzy vibe even when we have people in our home. I think I am being perfectly friendly, but being perhaps more naturally reserved not to mention very sarcastic, I guess I am not putting out the vibe I think I am.
I also have some insecurities that probably make me come across as distant and possibly snotty.
That being said, I also know that some people do find the role-reversal situation a little weird and find it difficult to relate. Also, I feel at times that I devote so much time to work/children/relationship that I have very little left in the way of emotional reserves to expend in friendshipping. Sad, but true.
So I guess mainly I can offer empathy and perhaps the suggestion to go over-the-top in acting friendly toward people?
I am SO sorry you are struggling like this and SO glad that you are looking to get back on your meds. As to this particular situation, here are my no-doubt-less-than-totally-informed observations.
First of all, when you have friends in, you definitely exude all the right vibes; don't worry about that.
Secondly, I too have difficulty making close friends and there have been VERY few over the years - especially very few where both the husband the wife are truly compatible and enjoyable (less than the fingers on one hand, to be truthful.)
Third, there is a HUGE compatibility gap between an artist and an MBA (or those of similar ilk). My friend Siegrid from our second mission in fact divides most men into those two categories: MBAs and others (and she prefers the others). My point is that finding friends you and Robb enjoy (and who reciprocate that feeling) is bound to be difficult in a ward that is almost totally MBA-mentality.
And lastly, there is definitely nothing wrong with YOU - it's just HARD - even RARE - to find a couple you really click with. I hope you find someone soon because I know it means a lot to you. I have always been so solitary myself that I haven't minded not having real friends (as opposed to all the many "acquaintances" at church.) I think you personally have several really good friends at your school - and I know you recognize and appreciate them.
Incidentally, your sister says she has the same problem (i.e., no real friends since they moved away from CA.) I often pray for her to find just one really good friend; I guess I need to add you and Robb to my prayer. :-) LOVE YOU!!
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